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JUNE 2008
My dear Friends,
“Our care should not be to have lived
long as to have lived enough.”
Seneca.
Well, I don’t think that old Seneca
could have been thinking about the premature death of children when he wrote that. The
sentiment is very hard, if not impossible, for bereaved families to entertain.
No matter how old we or our children are at the time of their deaths, it’s always too early.
We parents are proud of our children, their talents and achievements, but we care much more
about the shortness of their lives and can’t accept that that brief time was really “enough”. The
unfulfilled promise, the deprivation of life whether it would have been spectacular or ordinary,
darkens the pleasures of our to-morrows.
However, Seneca’s philosophy certainly has merit for us. Many of the bereaved people I
know say they no longer fear death and don’t mind if their own lifespan is shortened as they
look forward to a reunion with their loved ones. Many years may lie ahead for you, or few,
and it now becomes imperative that you make meaning of “enough”. Obviously it will be
different things for different people, and different things at different times. Whatever ways
you choose to make the rest of your life fulfilling and worthwhile will depend on your
individual tastes and circumstances. Of greater importance than the details of your own “enough”, is that you recognize the necessity of those efforts to help in the management of both
mourning which is the immediate stage after loss, and the long journey through grief which
follows “Enough” should, and can, offer beauty, satisfaction, wonder and joy, pleasure both quiet and
exciting, and a host of other gifts.
Strive to fill your days with your accomplishments.
Much love,
Rosemary Dirmeik..
TCF Johannesburg
How Grieving Parents Attempt To Cope With The Loss And Move On
Bereaved fathers and mothers try to cope with their grief by:
Admitting to themselves and others that their grief is overwhelming, unpredictable, painful, draining, and
exhausting-that their grief should not be diminished or ignored. Allowing themselves to be angry and
acknowledging that they are vulnerable, helpless, and feeling disoriented. Trying to understand that to grieve
is to heal and that integrating grief into their lives is a necessity. Acknowledging the need and desire to talk
about the child who died as well as the moments and events that will be missed and never experienced with
the child. Maintaining a belief in the significance of their child's life, no matter how short. Creating memorial
services and other rituals as ways to commemorate the child's life. Deriving support from religious beliefs, a
sense of spirituality, or a personal faith. Expressing feelings in journals, poetry, prayers, or other reflective
writings or in art, music, or other creative activities. Trying to be patient and forgiving with themselves and
others and refraining from making hasty decisions.
When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you
must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant
companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love
which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an
example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989,
3
Counting on, confiding in, and trusting those who care, listen, and hear, those who will walk with them, and
not be critical of them, those who will try to understand their emotional and physical limitations. Increasing
their physical activity and maintaining a healthful diet. Volunteering their services to organizations concerned
with support for bereaved parents. Obtaining help from traditional support systems, such as family, friends,
professionals or church groups, undergoing professional counseling, joining a parent support group, or
acquiring information on the type of death that occurred as well as about their own grief.** Reassuring
themselves and others that they were and still are loving parents. Letting go of fear and guilt when the time
seems right and the grief seems less. Accepting that they are allowed to feel pleasure and continue their
lives, knowing their love for their child transcends death. Source: National SIDS Resource Centre September
1997
When children die, the bond doesn't break... [But] the parents face two mutually exclusive facts. The child is
gone and not coming back, and the bond is...as powerful a bonding as people have in their abilities...
[Bereaved parents attempt] to let go, not of the child, but of the pain. - FINKBEINER 1996, 244, 2 Source:
National SIDS Resource Center September 1997
NEWS...NEWS...NEWS...
A workshop on grief and Loving:
By
Bernard
Levinson: Will
take place
Saturday the
19th and Sunday
20th July At
TCF.
We have the great privilege of being able to start up the infant group again from this month on
the 21st of June at 2pm till 4pm at the TCF Centre, the group will be run by Dominque and Lezane
Smith who have both experienced infant loss and who are both such compassionate and caring
people. For those of you who have experienced infant loss and know what a unique and painful
experience this is, please feel free to call Dominique or Lezane to find out any details about the
group meetings, or to set up a private one on one counselling setion with Dominique, who will be
in on every alternative Wednesday morning from 9am till 12pm please contact Dominique on 084
618 7684.
You will find support and comfort in this safe environment.
JUNE 2008
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN OF THE
25TH ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING
OF THE JOHANNESBURG CHAPTER
OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS.
WHEN: Saturday, 12th July 2.00 p.m.
WHERE: TCF Centre, 122 Athol St., Highlands North.
We invite you, our members, family and friends to join us for the 25th
Annual General Meeting of the Johannesburg Chapter of TCF.
The business proceedings of the meeting will be handled first, lasting
approximately a half-an-hour, followed by our GUEST SPEAKER.
Now is the time for you to think about your role in TCF!!! We need
you…..are you ready for the Committee, or can you help with the
library, community awareness, counselling, outreach and just
getting more involved.
Please give some urgent thought, as to whether you would be
willing to stand on the Committee. Executive meetings are held
every six weeks. Nomination Forms must be received by the 12th
of June 2008.
We look forward to seeing you here!!!
** WALL OF REMEMBRANCE
Would you like to remember your loved one by adding their photographs to our wall of remembrance on this website ? If so please forward your photograph together with name, details and a short message.
NEWS...NEWS...NEWS...
Barbara & Haydn Goldman’s daughter is engaged!
Wonderful new books for our library have been sponsored by Gerald & Sandy Fitzgerald as well as Sarely & Monique Pieterse.
Sadly Deidre Campbell who was our yearly pianist at our Candle lighting passed away.
* THIS IS YOUR NEWSLETTER & WEBSITE
We love receiving your contributions. You can’t believe just how much your feelings and experiences assist other parents who are struggling through their grief. Please just let us have any contributions by the 15th of each month. Sometimes submissions may have to be edited owing to space etc.
Fax 011-887 9494 or 
TCF BROCHURES TO DOWNLOAD
LINKS NOW WORKING !!
7 WAYS TO HELP WHEN SOMEONE DIES
DEALING WITH A DEATH BY ROAD ACCIDENT
FOR FIRST RESPONDERS, THOSE WHO BREAK THE NEWS
STILLBIRTH, MISCARRIAGE AND INFANT DEATH
SUGGESTIONS FOR MEDICAL PERSONNEL
SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S' SUICIDE
7 PRINCIPLES OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
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How you can help Compassionate Friends. Please don’t ever assume that what you have to give is too little. We are grateful for any donations. If you do your grocery shopping and buy an extra bag of tea, sugar, coffee, toilet paper etc that you then donate to TCF it means we don’t have to spend money on those things. We can then use the money we have for newsletters and counselling. We also have a bin by the gate where you can leave your newspapers. If you make a cash donation we may now issue you with a tax certificate.
THANK YOU TO NASHUA NORTH FOR PRINTING OUR MONTHLY NEWSLETTER.
Our Mission Statement
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS is a mutual self-help organisation offering friendship and understanding to bereaved parents and siblings.
The primary purpose is to assist them in the positive resolution of the grief experienced upon the death of a child and to support their efforts to achieve physical and emotional health.
The secondary purpose is to provide information and education about bereaved parents and siblings. The objective is to help those in their community, including family, friends, employers, co-workers and professionals to be supportive.
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The History of The Compassionate Friends 
TCF was founded by Reverend Simon Stephens in the UK in 1969 after he witnessed the support two bereaved families were able to draw from each other after losing a child. TCF was founded in South Africa in 1983 by Linda Abelheim and there are now more the 30 groups throughout the country.
All who belong to TCF have learned that the death of our child has caused a pain that can best be understood fully by another bereaved parent. Knowing that others need love and support, we reach out as our own grief subsides to those who still feel alone and abandoned.
TCF believes that bereaved parents can help each other towards a positive resolution of their grief, as we know that expressing thoughts and feelings is part of the healing process. We never suggest that there is a correct way to grieve or that there is a preferred solution to the emotional and spiritual dilemma raised by the deaths of our children - we understand that each parent must find his or her own way through grief.
TCF reaches out to all bereaved parents across artificial barriers of religion, race, ecomomic class, or ethnic group.
We also offer advice to other relatives, friends and professionals as to how to deal with those close to them who may be grieivng. To this end, TCF offers support literature and gives regular talks and presentations within the community, such as at schools, hospitals, corporates, the media and other charitable organisations.
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Registration No. 001-308 NPO - PBO No. 930000335 Fundraising No. 01100449007.
A Non-denominational self-help organisation.
Founders: Reverend Simon Stephens (England) and Linda belheim (South Africa)
