www.compassionatefriends.org.za

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NATIONAL GATHERING - PORT ELIZABETH

21-23 SEPTEMBER 2007

Our National AGM is took place in Port Elizabeth from the 21-23rd September at the Collegiate High School for Girls.

This was a most uplifting meeting of TCF members from all around South Africa, taking place in Port Elizabeth. The venue was beautiful, the speakers all outstanding and the warm memories will sustain us all for many months to come. We would like to thank Marius and Paddy Venter and their wonderful Chapter for all they did to organise the event and for making us all feel so very welcome.

The following address was given by MERLE DICK, Chairperson of the Johannesburg Chapter, who most pertinently tackled the excellent theme of the Conference, “A NEW KIND OF NORMAL”.

Dear Friends,

When I learnt of the title Marius and his team had decided upon for this Gathering of The Compassionate Friends, “A New Kind of Normal”, I found myself smiling and thought how apt, how normal. When as a parent you receive the news that your child has died, you would have experienced the most devastating and life changing news ever; your whole world has been shattered and as a newly bereaved parent you are in a 'new world‘ now. You will be learning how to survive when at times you won‘t even want to survive.

The only hope that I can give is that we at The Compassionate Friends have survived and thus we are able to help others by walking along side them on their journey of grief. It will be a very difficult journey as your whole world has been turned upside down, but please bear in mind that „if you hadn't loved so much you wouldn't hurt so much.

How long will it take? Is probably one of the first questions that the newly bereaved ask. Some professionals have tried to place timetables based on their studies and you may hear the answer – 2 years – or others will reply with the question – how long is a piece of string? But those of us who have been down the road for a number of
years will tell you that you will probably never get over the death of your child but that you will learn to live with the fact of it and rejoin life and teach yourself to lead your 'new kind of normal‘ life. When the shock wears off and the reality of your huge loss crashes in, it is that collision with the reality of death that hurts. It will just be
very different from before, as we create our own 'new kind of normal life‘.

So, what is normal?
If you think you are going insane – that‘s normal.
If all you do is cry – that‘s normal.
If you have feelings of exhaustion, rage, denial and depression – that‘s normal.
If you have trouble with sleep or concentrating – that‘s normal.
If you have difficulty with minor decision taking – that‘s normal.
When you find yourself taking two steps forward and more steps back – that‘s normal.

So, why The Compassionate Friends?
We at The Compassionate Friends understand what you are experiencing as we are all at different stages on our own grief journey with its ever-changing landscape. We don‘t pretend to have all the answers but we share your journey with you, we walk alongside you and we need you to know that you are not alone and that we do care – and that‘s normal. The lifeline of caring & sharing, which you receive, creates such hope. You make new friends, as the old ones don‘t seem to have the answers to the questions you ask. You may find a new faith, or return to your familiar one when yours has been rocked. You find that you have weird feelings & that the world & life does continue & you find yourself living your new kind of normal life now. You find that there is a relative poise with which you are now able to face the world after the bottom has fallen out of yours. At TCF you will find new friendships with gentle understanding, warmth, sharing, caring, hope and faith, & that becomes your new kind of normal.‘If you can remember your child with a smile – that‘s healing. If you find your mirrors have become windows and that you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents –
that‘s growing. And that, my, friends, is the essence of The Compassionate Friends as
I see it, that despite or in spite of your pain you find yourself reaching out to others
with greater understanding and heartfelt compassion.
I would like to end off with a quote from Rev Simon Stephens, our much loved and
respected founder (1969):„ Those of us who have worked through our grief and
found that there is a future are the ones who must meet others in the valley
of darkness and bring them back to the edge of light.

MERLE DICK TCF JHB