A LOVE LETTER TO MY CHILDREN
You are great kids. You have always been great kids although I haven't always been a great mom. After your
brother died, I was hardly any kind of mom at all. I was so lost in my own grief I wasn't there for you. You were bewildered, hurt and scared, but I couldn't seem to reach out to you beyond my own pain. I was like a day old helium balloon drifting along, not sure if my place was with you or with your brother. I didn't drift for long. You grabbed my string and pulled me back! The yowls and shrieks still ring in my ears. “Mom, all my underwear is dirty!” or “Mom, I'm starved!” or “Mom, he punched me!” Your brother was being cared for by his heavenly Father, but you needed your earthly mother. It was your need for me that saved my life. I'm sorry that your brother's death robbed you of your childhood. While other kids fretted about what to wear or what movie to see, you wondered when the tears and sadness would ever end and if we would be a family again. If I could have shielded you from such great sorrow, I would have; but I couldn't. Your lives were changed forever and your future was uncertain, but you kept going. You supported and inspired me as we travelled that rocky road of grief together. You talked about your brother when no-one else would say his name. You kept his picture in your room and proudly pointed out to friends: “This was my brother.” You used his things, but gently. You reminded me of the cute, funny things he said and did. You included him in your bedtime prayers. You still do. Some day I believe you will tell your own children about your brother. Thank you for keeping his memory alive. Because of the tragedy you experienced, you are more mature that other kids your age. You possess strength
and courage beyond your years. You are resilient; little things don't get you down. Best of all, you are kind, sensitive and compassionate to others. I adore you. You are my life.

LOVE MOM

Patricia Dyson, TCF Beaumont Lifted from „This Healing Journey" (TCF Anthology)

THE MEANING OF THE LOST RELATIONSHIP

In her book, Sibling Grief, White writes that ‘One of the questions I am often asked is: why is my grief so different from that of my other siblings?’   She explains that ‘there are significant differences based on many factors that influence the grief response.’   These might include the meaning of the lost relationship, the world of what ‘might have been’ what else is going on at the time and losses that are made more difficult due to the cause of death or other significant aspects surrounding the death.  

The particular bother/sister, sister/sister, or brother/brother relationship impacts the intensity of grief, as does whether the deceased was older or younger, or a twin.   This emphasis on the particular relationship is a factor that may be overlooked, because it seems so obvious.   But siblings themselves seem to sense this importance.  When someone tells me they lost a sibling, the first thing they mention is their age and the age of their sibling.   We loose not only our brother
or sister, but also our relationship with that person.   Each of the relationships has its own particular characteristics and took place within a particular environment.   A girl for example (whose father was emotionally distant or physically absent), who loses an older brother, may also be losing the only ‘father’ figure she has known.   An older sister who loses a younger brother may feel as if she is losing her own child.

Kelly writes: “I am 18 and just witnessed the terrible accidental death of my 4 year old
brother.   I still have a term to go in high school before I graduate.   It feels like I just lost
my own child.   I have taken care of him since his birth, when I was 14.   How can I ever go
back to school?”   When your lost sibling was younger, he or she may have looked up to
you and admired you, giving you a boost to your self esteem.   If your sibling was older, he
 or she may have guided you or provided a role model.

The pain of loss intensifies depending on what the lost relationship meant to you.
For adults, whose parents are already deceased, the loss of a particular
relationship with a sibling may feel like the loss of all they had left of their parents. 
 If you are the only one left of childbearing age, you may feel obligated to produce
 grandchildren for your parents.   You may be the only one left to carry on the family name or to take over the family business.   You are the one who must take responsibility for your ageing parents.   You may be called upon to adopt and care for your sibling’s children.   It might also mean that there will be no one left to take care of your children if something happens to you...

Since individuals differ, their grief and mourning will differ.   There are numerous factors that account for some of the differences.   We tend to suffer more when we believe that our sibling’s life was unfulfilled and we have more difficulty when there are already other troubling events going on around us.   When we have actually witnessed the death, we may need to deal first with the shock and trauma before we can deal with the loss.   When the cause of death is perceived as shameful or we have to hide from media attention, we may not be able to reach out for support.’
Excerpt from Sibling Grief, P. Gill White PH.D.